Text me something new

"Dang babe ... Let me know what I can do?

hold me when I cry and let me smoke my brains out.

Lol. you're awesome.

We should probably have crazy sex too. I think that will help. "
.

Jeff and I have been married almost ten years and we've been texting like horny teenagers since day 1,095.
That was the year our marriage went on an upswing and we've held it up high ever since.

We've worked hard to get to this point. Communication being the rope that binds us and texting throughout the day being a fiber of the rope.

I remember the first time I sent Jeff a text that said more than, "I love you. Have a good day."
It was a suggestion of things to come and you know, I had sweaty palms when I typed it out.
My heart thumped and my brain thumped with it, "This is stupid, this is stupid. This. Is. Stupid."
To say that it did not achieve the desired result (exhortations of want and compliments galore) is an understatement.
He was confused, speechless (textless?)and I was more than a little mortified.
Have you ever planned a romantic night, or a romantic hour after the kids have gone to bed; and you put something on other than your sweatpants and comfiest two-sizes-too-big-with-a-faded-bar-logo t-shirt, and when he walks in he kind of looks at you like you're the newest zoo exhibit and he isn't sure if he should clap or point?
Yep. Pretty much.
My disappointment covered me like a second-hand negligee.

Here's what I learned:
You can't start a team sport and not let your teammate know the sport you are playing.
So, as unsexy as it sounds, we had a full-on discussion about our word play and costume changes. The expectation, what was acceptable, what was too far, what was hot, and what was cause for a smack. And not the kind of smack that leads to a kiss.
More like a "here's the line, and look, you jumped about a mile past it" tackle.

Since then, our banter has become an avenue of communication that gets us through the day, with laughter, connection, and fun.
What's better than that? Not much.
Not even the"maybe-real-sex-but-maybe-not" that's implied. Trust me folks, there's a lot of nights of "maybe-nots."

Don't get me wrong - we text about the WalMart list and toilet paper preference too, but we don't let it stay there.
Not ever.

The first three years of our marriage were dramatic and awful. It was like fumbling around in the dark with sharp knives.
Getting to the upswing took effort that could be likened with climbing Mt. Everest.
Or swimming with sharks.
I can't tell you how many times one of us looked at the other and said, "I'm so done. I want out."
It was our saving grace that we never said it at the same time. One was willing to push through, and back down, and give gentle; while the other huffed and puffed and tried their damnedest to blow the whole city down.

Yay for upswing! A chance to get our breath, take a look around, decide if we liked the view.

We could have left it there. Let it float. Drift. Just kind of hang.

After all, wounds from sharp knives heal, but guess what? The scars still shimmer.

And so we became intentional. With our words, our time, the places we go, who we see.
This post is not about sending your spouse a sexy text. That is an oversimplification.


I hear it all the time.
"Oh well, we've been married (insert number here)years and you know, it's just not important anymore. It is what it is."

What's not important, exactly?

Remember what it was like to flirt? The thrill that would start somewhere in your body and shoot out of your fingers and blaze from your eyeballs? To feel the quiver in your belly? And when he/she looked at you a certain way, to feel a quiver everywhere else?

Jeff and I went to a marriage counselor for a year and half. There's something to say about having an objective person there while you get it all out. During one session, she looked at us and said, "You know, despite everything being said (and some pretty terrible things were being said), and everything you guys are going through, I can see that you are friends.You actually like each other."

She went on to say she doesn't see that very often. I'm not for a second trying to imply Jeff and I are the rock stars of marriage. However, we have gone to the bottom, laid in the mud, and got back up again.
Jeff and I have a lot of FUN. This is purposeful ya'll. I don't want to be with someone who bores me to death and I don't want to be the one who is boring.

It's beyond sex. It's more than bills. It's enjoying one another. And that makes everything else so much better.

Sometimes I'll look at Jeff when he walks in from work, and I have no idea what my face is showing, but Sammi will yell out, "Ewwwww MOM. STOP. IT."

And I burst out laughing because my daughter has caught me; caught me checking out my husband.

I encourage you to check out your husband.
Look at him like you used to. Smile slow. Let your hair out of the topknot. Put on some lipstick and if that doesn't work for you, tinted chap stick will do the trick.
Send him a text about more than what broke at the house or a request for milk.
Tell him you think he's hot. Tell him you appreciate him. Even better, tell him why.
You'll be surprised at what you get in return.
We all want to feel appreciated. Wanted.

It's a good thing to try something new, to stretch ourselves so much we get sweaty palms.
It's a better thing to connect.
It's more than better.. it's vital.

XO