Kiss bigger

I have been looking around. I have been watching. Watching the joys and the sorrows, the pick-me ups and the let-you downs. Life.
It can be so brutal,

so lovely.
You just never know.
You never know who is going to fall in love with whom. You never know who is going to get their feelings hurt and hold it inside. You never know who is going to walk away, turn a corner, not look back.
You never think it will be you standing there all alone.

Brutal.

You never think you will be the light in someone else's life. You don't realize what cost you five bucks or a small smile, will make someone else's day. It could be what carries them through the night, to the next opportunity,
of hope.

Lovely.

I am an early riser - by necessity, not choice. I work at Starbucks and so most mornings I rush out the door, while most haven't even attempted to hit snooze yet, at the dark and foggy hour of 4:00 am. Give or take 30 minutes. It is a windy drive on a mostly two-lane road.

Mountains. Coyotes. Stillness.

Today I didn't have to be there until 5:30. A reprieve. Although 4am doesn't bother me like it used to. Normally when I make the drive I am alone, one pair of headlights zig-zagging through the silence.

Today was not like every other day. Like I said, I didn't have to be there until 5:30. I rushed out the door by 5:05, grabbing my water, my apron, my tupperware of grapes and strawberries. I gave my husband the quickest kiss on the planet and tossed out an "I love you" over my shoulder, as I walked out the door.
Normally no one else is on the road.
Normally I drive a little on the quick side.

Today was not normal.
I was in my daughter's truck, which does not go nearly as fast as my Prius. I had already been warned, "Yo. Take the truck. Don't speed." by my daughter's post it note on my purse. A reminder to not forget - she needed the car for the day.

Fifteen minutes later, I made the left onto Poway road. It winds and cuts and corners for several miles, with just a few turnouts and dark driveways, like hidden mouths, waiting to swallow you up. Two cars were behind me.

weird.

Several others passed me going in the opposite direction.

weirder.

I ate my apple. Sipped my water. Listened to my "Jesus Jams" playlist. Sang in between bites.

And I went around another bend.
That's when i stared, head cocking to the side, mouth opening in a question I did not know yet.
It took a few seconds for my brain to catch up with my eyeballs.
It wasn't two headlights headed towards me.

It was four.

It's not uncommon to see one car pass another on a two-lane rode. No big deal. No offense taken. Let's get moving and be on our way.

It's a bit of a different story when the two-lane road turns every 8 seconds and you can't see what's next. Not too smart. Not too legal. Not enough time.

It was only seconds. Seconds that stretched and snapped back at the same time.
I didn't have time to pray "Oh, Jesus"
I didn't have time to say "Oh, shit."

I only had time to say "oh ..." and suck in my breath.
I couldn't stop. Two cars behind me. I couldn't pull over. There was nowhere to go but down the side of the mountain. I couldn't do anything but stare.

Frozen.
I felt fear in the center of my bones. I felt it leak into my bloodstream. I felt it pause my heart. People die on this road.

And then the truck yanked away from me, cutting off the bigger, construction truck it successfully passed, barely avoiding killing us all.

Or just me.

My chest began to heave. I was gasping for air as I struggled not to shake. I couldn't help it though. Fear morphing into relief beat into each cell in my body.

So I did the only thing I could think of right then.
I called Jeff.
I needed to hear his voice. I needed to connect, just for a minute.
I didnt even think of how completely freaked out he would be when he answered the phone and i couldn't speak because i was crying.
"Are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok?! babe. babe. Oh my God."

I manged to calm down. Reassure him. Tell him what happened. Tell him I just needed a minute. I just needed to breathe. I just needed to hear his voice.

And then I said this before we hung up, "I wish i would have kissed you bigger before i left today."

And there it is. The truth we manage to ignore most minutes of our lives.

You just never know.

When that last kiss will be. The last goodbye. The last walk out the door. The last drive away from home.

Our last.

I still have not seen him yet. But when I do.
I will kiss him bigger.

Because today was a reminder, we are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised two hours from now.
It happens every day, to everybody else.
But one day it will happen to me. It will happen to you.
Just that fast.

Treat each other well. Forgive quickly. Love until your heart explodes.

And kiss really really big.

What else is there?

-----

Some days there is just so much, so much to say
so much being felt.
so much being moved.

That for now, right now. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in five minutes,
but
right now.

Say nothing.