I upset my manchild this morning as I drove him to school. One minute we were discussing breakfast options and the next, he exclaimed in a louder-than-normal-but-less-than-yelling voice, "Don't look at me!"
My audible response was automatic, "UH. Do NOT talk to me like that. OK?"
The silence thundered. I know, dramatic right?
But it was a rocky silence and I am not good in rocky silences.
I am the one who always wants to CLEAR THE AIR (picture my arms waving at wisps of streaky air mud). This drives everyone I love CRAZY but my husband is the only one patient enough to embrace it.
My kids are like, STOP IT. I NEED A MOMENT. THIS IS A NO-FIXING ZONE RIGHT NOW.
Because I am practicing the art of BEING QUIET and holding back, my mind goes into a steady stream of mom-yack. Verbal vomit of the brain.
This ever happen to you? It looks like this.
WHATTHE? wheredidthatcomefrom? whyisHEupset? UGH ihateitsomuchwhenthishappensbeforeschool!!! whatdidido? iwanthimtohaveagoodday IWANTTOHAVEAGOODAY BLECH whyisheactinglikeapunk? jesushelpmebreathe doitalkagain? nonotyet toosoontoosoon teenagersareinsane isthatacramp? ohjeez maybeIAMINSANE imseriouslytooOLDFORAPERIODLORDcanwebedonewiththisalready? werealmosttooschool hesnotgoingtosaybye werealmostthere yeshewill nohewont pullingintothedriveway tellhimyoulovehimLIKENORMAL ofCOURSEIWILLTELLHIMILOVEHIMhesmybaby therehegoes hesgoingtoshutthedoorandjustwalkaway oh! see? hesaidbyetoo.
woohooVICTORY hesok imok
WHATTHEHELLHAPPENEDINTHEFIRSTPLACE?
everythingisfine everythingisfine
My momyack quieted and I was able to think like a sane person again.
What did happen?
And as my heart and mind slowed and I sat in silence for a few minutes, the answer came.
I have learned this is how answers are revealed.
Ask.
Wait.
God does not tease us. He says very clearly, Ask and you shall receive and also, If you lack wisdom and you ask for it, God will give it too you because he's a GOOD God. (paraphrase mine)
I texted my kid. I apologized for the tone in which I had spoken to him. Not the firm MOM tone after he became frustrated and probably mortified, but the one right before that, when I baby-coddled him.
That's right. That was my crime. I spoke to him like he was three. Not even on purpose. It just flew out like some of those mom-things do.
Doesn't seem like such a huge deal. Right?
Unless you are a seventeen year old with a beard. Then it's like your mom is stealing away your almost-adult card and trying to shove a binky in your mouth.
It reminded me of when I was in labor with my oldest. I was practically DYING on the table. All that pushing and uncontrollable shaking, along with trying to resist an epidural because I was listening to all the people telling me how WONDERFUL it is to deliver in full capacity of my senses.
Side note: this is not my jam and with my other two labors I practically carried a billboard inside the hospital flashing, "GIVE ME ALL THE DRUGS!"
My mom was next to me and in the middle of my almost-becoming-a-parent moment, she reached down and stroked my hair and said in a "mommy voice" - Oh Shannon!
It may as well have been, Oh Shannon baby boo-boo.
I slapped her hand away.
Please don't judge me here. Let's follow the thread. I was on the cusp of child > teenager > parent, and my mom was having her own moment and trying to pull me back.
I was not having it.
Neither was manchild.
We don't get to pull back mamas. Even if it slips out. We can't pull back. It is our job to always gently and firmly, propel forward.
I don't write about manchild, or Sammi, or Bre all that often because well, it's not like when they were three and could not read or have their own Facebook account and internet access. They can read my words. It could be a post describing how much I yucked up a moment or a post that boasts about how amazing they are ....
when you are seventeen - it does not matter.
You get a comment that says, "DELETE THIS."
You get an eye roll when you get home.
You may get a lecture on respect and privacy.
(insert mom eye roll here)
But there's a lot of us mamas-of-teenagers who are struggling and it's not the same struggles as a mama-of-toddlers. It's a silent struggle.
Mama of teenagers. I SEE YOU.
And in response to my morning,
I prayed for a whole bunch of us and then left a card surprise for a random MOM going to Costco today.
Just remember - our group may be quieter but WE ARE HERE. We are not alone.
I am rooting for you in your own wacky conversations and mom-vomit mornings.
Please please - root for me.
XO
