What is my darkest anyway?

On my facebook page, my cover photo displays a heart with this in the middle, "Shannon - I have loved you at your darkest. I have always loved you. - God."

It's beautiful to me and ever so comforting. I don't know how dark your darkness is, but mine is intense. The kind of dark that makes you wonder if you still exist or if you are floating into nothing. dark. alone. small.

So what is my darkest anyway?
And where did God say that? Because it sounds surprising hip and not very King Jamesey.

When i think of my darkest, my first thoughts are of all the bad things that have happened to me. Things in which i had no control. Things that make me shudder and whimper and want to puke. Those things are black. Yes, yes they are. But are those my darkest? I mean i can claim them as parts of my life but i can't own them as my own. They are things some other evil did to me. And yes, God loved me there (that's a whole other post)or I would not have made it through ... But what are MY things? What dark did I spread? Because if God loved me at my darkest - He loved me in my own darkness.

Not as easy to write.

But i know what they are.

All the times i tore someone down with my words, peeling their feelings away from their heart, layer by layer with each swipe of my sharp tongue. I could stop there and it would be enough. Don't scoff. Don't say,"that's not so bad". Because it is. Oh yes it is dear friends. Still not convinced?
How would you like to hear..
I don't love you anymore. * You're getting fat. * I wish you had never been born. * Why do you make my life so hard? It would be easier if you were just gone. * I hate you. * You make me sick. * I should just kill myself and everyone would be happier. *I hate me. * You're not my friend anymore. *

Can you feel it friends? Can you feel the darkness slithering up on you with each statement? I can. Some of these i have said. Some have been said to me. This is dark.

Or how about lust? Oh i know... lust?! What's the big deal? The world makes it so easy to lust doesn't it? We see so much skin, it's become commonplace. We tell ourselves it's ok if we look, if our spouse looks, because no one wants to be THAT girl - the one that isn't "secure" right? The one that must have self-esteem issues. The one that is a prude and no fun. We want to be the cool chick.

lie. lie. lie.
It's amazing how we fight for so many things but when it comes to our marriages we throw boundaries out the window, we practically shove them out the door, and then we wonder why things fall apart later? But i digress. That is another post as well.
What about MY lust? Looking too long at someone that is not mine. Allowing myself to think, to imagine, what it would be like. Fantasy. I know. It's just fantasy, right? It's not real. It's just in my head. And here's the best part - no one else has to know. Oh secrets secrets. How you trap us from the inside out. It's dark here friends. My dark. Because the more you lust, the more unsatisfied you become. The more your spouse starts to irritate you. The more you notice his nose hairs aren't trimmed and did he really just fart again?! He didn't take out the trash and he bought you flowers but geez, doesn't he know by now what my favorite is? The itch spreads. The complaint list grows. Distance becomes reality. You can both feel it. Gratefulness has been replaced bitterness. Gentleness for abrasion. And it all started in my head.

There are other darks. The Enemy is doing the happy dance right now with placards being raised to remind me of them all. "Smoker!" "Drunk!" "Rude!" "Unforgiving!" "Impatient!" "Road-rage freak!" "Shopper at Target when there is no money!"
You get it.

So I'm going to stop now and move into the light. You know, the love part.
Where does it say God loved me at my darkest?
It's a paraphrase folks. Of the coolest kind. This is what it does say ...
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Now for some of you, the whole "sin" word puts your panties in a bunch. That's kind of your issue. Sin. Wrong-doing. Bad choices. Whatever package you want to wrap it in - it's still sin. You know it. How? Because you felt guilty when you did it and some really bad stuff went down afterward.

For some of us - for me - love has not been easy. I have always always had the fear of doing something wrong and i would lose it. This has been my truth. More than twice. Losing love. Because i wasn't worth it.

But here - in this verse - a new truth.
While i was still a sinner.... while i lusted, while i tore down, while i was drunk, while i was high, while i screamed there is no God, while i had sex with people i did not know, while i took my frustrations out on my kids, while i nagged, while i was selfish, while i laughed when someone else was down, while i did all these and more - he loved me anyway. he wanted me anyway. he waited for me anyway.

darkness. gave way to light.

hello ...

i love to write. it has been my dream to write a book. why a book? well it just seemed like the most natural thing to do. writers write books. But here's the thing - i am not a very good book writer. I am unorganized. I am a little scattered. And i have a tendency to get stuck. Some can write their darkest, set down their pen, and go eat a piece of cake. I write my darkest, throw my pen against a wall, and eat the entire cake. My mind can't say "see ya later" to the dark spot. It's like checking into a hotel thinking it will be a quick overnight and next thing you know, you are renting the room by the month. And we all know what those hotels look like. Say hello to sleeping with the lights on and not walking around with bare feet. You get it. So for now, the book is out. i have to admit, this really bothered me. I thought to myself, "Why God? Why did you give me this desire but not the follow-through? I mean, i feel like LOSER is stamped on my forehead." And then God answered me. I think he tried to answer me a long time ago but i wouldn't stop talking at him long enough to hear ... or maybe i thought i heard but dismissed the idea as not good enough. Weird right? Real writers don't blog. Do they? i have no idea. i am not sure what makes a "real writer" anymore. All i know for pretty certain, certain enough that i don't feel like i need to swallow a bottle of pepto to quell the queasiness, is this, this blog thing, feels pretty alright. So here i am. and here you are. Can i just say thank you for reading this at all? I know there are so many options, and not a lot of time. My hope is that you find hope in this. That it makes your day a little easier, a little brighter, or at the very least, that you feel understood. If you can ever read anything i write and think, "yessss" then that would make my heart pump a little faster. Isn't that what we all want? Just to be seen. What will this blog be about? I asked God that too. Remember i said i am a little unorganized? a little scattered? So expect that. It will be about life, and stuff, and everything. Some will be daises and butterflies... others will look like something from Coraline - dark and creepy with the distinct impression something is not right. But that's life. At least what i have seen so far. I love the daises and butterflies ... but i will face that dark. i will take hold of the creepy. and together we will stare down the things that just are not right. we will do this together. I'm in.