#olw

Last year, for the very first time, I chose #olw, or as the non-hashtaggers know it, one little word.
I liked the idea of choosing a word to live the year by - a mantra to set my heartbeat to. And if I'm being completely bare and honest, it was super trending in the facebookinstagrampopulargirlssquare.
And at that point, for all the wrong reasons, I really wanted to trend.
All the cool kids were doing it.
And I was struggling, struggling to find my place in friendships and groups so I followed. If it was good enough for the cool kids, well, it was good enough for me too.

The word I chose was "INTENTIONAL". Which is really laughable when my reasons for choosing it (reread above and picture my eye roll) were so far from it.

Can you guess how well it went?
I failed. Like, big time.
The sad part is I may not have even noticed if someone hadn't pointed out how completely UN-intentional I was treating some tiny people I love.

I sat with that realization for a good bit, chewed on it, let it get under my skin and into the marrow of my bones.

Flash towards the eve of 2017 and the #olw was trending yet again.
This time I was not even close to wanting to roll with any cool kids. I almost nixed the idea of "one little word" altogether but my reasons for that would have been just as impulsive and wrong as the first time around.

I thought about the past year of my life. What had I learned? what had hurt? what had healed? What had I contributed to the building up, or the tearing down, of ALL the relationships surrounding me? Where did I want my efforts to go?

Tough questions require answers brave enough to not just shake hands, but to take my shoes off, trudge through the mud in my bare feet and THEN splash in the streams. I am learning (always always always learning) the best relationships include both. A relationship with depth and life and conversation must be wide enough to hold the sticky mess and the happy clean.
Otherwise it's just a convenience. You don't get one without the other.

guilty. and also, enough of that.

So this year I picked my word with a lot more thought and a whole lot of intention. (It took a year but I finally got the real meaning of that one.)

C U L T I V A T E.

1. to prepare or prepare and use for the raising of crops. also (and I really love this. I mean, really really love this) to loosen or break up the soil

(All the praise hands here. I mean seriously, WHO ELSE prays this alldayeveryday ? Break it up, Jesus. All that rock. All the hard earth clay that is unyielding and useless. Grab a hoe, a rake, a shovel, heck - let's get some jackhammers and make a real mess here. Break it up. Prepare me. Prepare all of me for CROPS. I can practically see all the lettuce heads popping up with people's faces on them. LOVE THESE. WATER THEM.)

2. to foster the growth of
(I mean, YES. this also seems like it should have a "duh" at the end.
Grow.
grow in love. grow in faith. grow in being teachable and let's get some of that forgiveness and grace in there too. Yeah? The people who need grace the most are the ones you don't want to give it to.
The conundrum being - then how will they know what it is???) DUH.

3. to IMPROVE by LABOR, CARE, or STUDY
(Labor. WORK. Cultivating is not automatic. It is not second nature. Maybe not even fourth or fifth.
To cultivate, to love, to foster growth, to care for and to allow yourself to be loosed and broken, requires a whole heck of a lot of work, and don't for a second think that work is like, cracker jack easy.
Oh no.
Grab your antiseptic and some tissues. It's going to hurt at first. You will bleed. You will ask yourself, "holy heck - IS THIS EVEN WORTH IT?"
The answer is YES.
Yes it is.
Then you'll see it. Green. Growth. Buds of life and love and friendship and family pushing through so much you want to weep in thankfulness and joy)

I pray every day God helps me to do this. I know I will not always be successful. I'm human. I get tired and selfish and hurt and I've never made any secrets of how BLACK my heart is.

BUT.

(and this is when the BUT is oh so good)

Jesus loves my black heart. Period. YOU may not love it. I may not love it. But HE does.

And.
He also knows how much this black heart wants to LOVE
and forgive (well, most of the time. some people. I'm still working on this.)
and WRITE
and be free
and laugh
and really just fly itself all the way up to heaven,
singing
at the top
of its lungs.
XO